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Me on my mat. In black and white. Like a horror film.

It was a bad yoga class. Really bad.

And yes, I understand that I am not supposed to judge my classes like that. Any class you go to is a good class, yada yada. I get it.

But, this was a really shitty class.

I was swallowing down vomit from Half Moon until the floor series. I was dizzy and the room kept going dark. Everything was spinning. I sat down frequently and when I wasn’t sitting, I was wishing I was sitting.

I fell out of Tree pose three times. Tree! The pose I’ve been doing for fun since I was five years old. The pose that is my default stance while brushing my teeth. It was disheartening, to say the least.

I felt betrayed.

I had held up my part of the bargain and the yoga had abandoned me. I had gotten myself into the hot room and it had not shown up to provide me with the clear-headed joy I have come to expect from a Bikram class.

I left the studio, near tears. As we walked to the car, I recounted to Husband all the good, nourishing foods I had eaten that day. I was perfectly hydrated and well rested. I had set up in my favorite spot in the room and class was led by a teacher I adore. There was no reason for this, I whined. I stopped just short of stomping my feet.

That’s when Husband said, “This stuff isn’t linear. There isn’t always a clear cause and effect. It just is what it is.”

I was so busy trying to control the experience and find something to blame it on that I overlooked a fundamental truth – sometimes the result isn’t up to me. Sometimes I can’t explain it all. Sometimes it just is, and there is no one to blame so that I can feel better.

That’s life. The thing that seems amazing, ends up being a giant belly flop. And the worst thing in the world, turns out to be a gift of immense proportions.

The yoga didn’t abandon me. It just challenged me in a new way. Sure, a way that made me wildly uncomfortable and pukey, but it was a way that showed me a new level of commitment. Because even though I had that horrifying class, I still went back. I proved that I would stick with it, even when the going got tough.

Eventually, and with gratitude:

I surrendered.

I accepted.

I moved on.

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