My life without yoga

Tags

Bikram yoga, gratitude, health, meditation, Pure Barre, relationships

A little while ago, I bought a Living Social deal for Pure Barre. I’ve gone 7 times now and like it. I just don’t love it. I like feeling a little like a ballerina (since I am so far from one) and I like the fact that it works some muscles that yoga doesn’t get to. I know this for a fact, because after my first class I was limping around for 2 days.

But, for me at least, it’s no yoga.

I get the physical burn, but I don’t get the mental cleanse that I get from the hot room. Maybe some people do get that from Barre, but I never felt it. This was a good reminder that for me – yoga really is special.

It makes me think back to my pre-yoga existence.

In the summer of 2009, I wandered into a Bikram yoga studio with no idea what to expect. I’d done yoga before, but I’d never had a serious practice. It was mostly just a couple of Rodney Yee tapes (yes, actual VHS tapes) that I’d dust off once in a while.

I’d been a meditator for a couple of years, so it seemed to make sense that I would try out yoga. A friend had heard great things about our local Bikram studio and she thought I might like it.

I will forever be indebted to Rachel for this suggestion.

I had just come home from a month of studying at Oxford and it wasn’t all I expected it to be. I felt mildly depressed and mildly fat. I don’t mean to jump on the bandwagon and bash the Brits for their food, but let’s just say the vegetarian-on-a-budget experience was not great.

I needed to get my life back on track. I figured yoga couldn’t hurt.

Now, thinking about life without yoga is just crazy. If I didn’t do yoga, my life would be totally different.

~ I wouldn’t have the support of such a wonderful yogi community.

~ I wouldn’t eat such healthy foods.

~ I wouldn’t have such deep and healing meditations.

~ I would not sleep as well.

~ I would not be as strong, mentally, physical, spiritually.

 ~ I would still have panic attacks.

 ~ I would not have such a strong connection with my husband.

 ~ I would be less comfortable with my body.

~ I would be shorter. (Seriously, I grew an inch.)

~ I would not have had the experience of doing yoga in a foreign country.

~ I would struggle more with depression.

~ I would have continuing back problems from my injury.

So, yeah, some days it’s hard to get myself to the studio. Some days it feels extra hot and humid and the yoga truck runs me over. Some days I feel stiff and my backbend is not as pretty as I want it to be. Some days I just want to sit on the couch and watch re-runs of Top Chef.

But when I look at it all cumulatively, the only logical thing to do is to go put on those tiny shorts.

Namaste.

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The day of Grace

Tags

acceptance, Grace, gratitude, guru, health, meditation, spirituality

Two years ago today, J and I walked into the SPCA, just to “look.”

We walked out with my guru.

She was a malnourished little mutt with claws so long they wrapped around and dug into the pads of her feet. She didn’t know how to play. The sound of clapping made her cower. She had terrible nightmares that left her snarling and whimpering in her sleep. Life had not been easy for this dog.

Even with that history, no one in my life has taught me more about stillness, joy, acceptance, love and indeed, grace, than Grace.

We almost didn’t adopt her. The information sheet hanging on the door of her cage read “senior.” We couldn’t imagine enduring the loss of her so soon. But one look into her blue eye, and then her brown eye, and we knew that whatever time we had with her was worth it.

We joyfully surrendered to the unknown.

When I stand in the middle of my yoga mat, I often take a moment of stillness to devote my practice to Grace. I want to show my gratitude for all that she has taught me about getting over the stuff that I hold on to from my own past. She is a master class is being present. She is the living example of everything that I try to access by bringing yoga into my life.

Happy birthday, Grace. Thank you for finding us.

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Remembering the first time

Tags

acceptance, beginner, Bikram yoga, health

I was in the bathroom after class, pressing my face and body against the cool metal wall of the stall – wishing I would just throw up and then die and get it over with.

That is my most vivid memory of my first Bikram class.

I always love hearing about people’s first experiences with Bikram. It’s like hearing about how a couple first met. Some people take to it immediately. Others not-so-much. I was a not-so-much person.

I don’t like extreme things. I don’t respond to tough love. I hate the heat, I hate saunas, I hate sweat.

On the surface, there is no reason I should love Bikram.

But I do. A lot.

However, the early part of our relationship was rocky.

When I walked in to the hot room for the first time, I remember thinking that I couldn’t spend five minutes in a room that hot. This was ridiculous. This had to be dangerous.

I sat out many, many postures. Can’t remember how many because I think I was blacking out.

Halfway through, I noticed that I couldn’t hear anything. The teacher was talking like one of those teachers from Charlie Brown, all I heard was blood rushing through my ears. Trying to figure out my left from my right felt like deciphering the Rosetta Stone. Lying on my back felt like running a marathon.

When class ended, I wanted to cry the way you do when you realize things might be alright after all. I had survived.

I walked out of the studio and decided Bikram yoga people were all nuts; like the people who get a kick out of doing those army-like obstacle courses, covered in slimy mud.

But on the Bikram yoga studio website it said you should do three classes before you judge. Being an avid rule follower, I dragged my still-aching body back to the studio three days later. The second class was a little better and the third class felt like an IV of joy pumped directly into my soul.

I was hooked.

Three years later, that studio feels like second home. It is the place where I get amazing support. It is the place where I detox, renew and connect.

It’s where I go to feel better, to heal my stiff body, clear my wandering mind and calm my anxious heart. Yes, it’s still a place where I work hard, but not so hard that I disconnect. I work so hard that I finally feel everything and I finally stop running away from life.

So, it’s a good reminder for me not to judge anything too quickly. Who knows where something might lead? I never would have guessed that place where I was pressing my face against a bathroom stall would end up being where I go to celebrate this body, this moment and this life.

How was your first class?

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Just unroll your mat: thoughts on motivation

Tags

Bikram yoga, health, motivation, resolutions

This time of year, everyone is making resolutions and promises and trying to be improved versions of themselves.

I was talking to my dad recently about motivation and he was telling me that he just doesn’t get excited about working out.

He was shocked that I could relate.

“You don’t love going to yoga?” He asked me.

I love having gone to yoga. I love it when it’s done. The majority of the time, when it’s time to go to class, I’d much rather stay home and lie around on the couch.

We have this idea that the rest of the world jumps out of bed with an enthusiastic vigor, dying to go to yoga/Zumba/the gym/whatever. We think there is something defective about us if we are not that way.

I suppose there are those nutty people who are hardwired with that kind of pep, but most of us don’t fall into that category. I certainly don’t. Luckily, we don’t have to.

Because we all brush our teeth.

Oral hygiene in itself is not a thrilling activity. It’s not something I normally look forward to or get excited about. But when I’m done and my mouth is all minty and clean, it feels good. And what’s more – when I don’t brush, my life gets unpleasant very quickly. I do it because when I don’t do it, things fall apart.

I see yoga (and meditation) that way. Sure, there are days where I am dying to get in the hot room and each posture is a joy. But usually, the motivation is in the knowledge of what it’s doing for me in the long haul. I have seen the proof that it makes my life and my health (mental and physical) better in a myriad of ways.

So, don’t worry if you are not the cheerleader who is jonesing for the adrenalin hit. You are just like the rest of us.

But get your ass on the mat, anyway, because that final savasana is going to be awesome.

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Letting go even applies to yoga

Tags

ahimsa, Bikram yoga, community, health, pranayama

When I was nineteen, I had this boyfriend. I was obsessed with him. On the rare occasions that we weren’t together, I was talking about him ad nauseam. I dropped all my friends and most of my life to be with him. I clung so tightly. The desperation made me feel miserable and made him feel trapped. It was totally unhealthy and it ended poorly.

I used to cling to yoga this way. When I say “used to” I mean…like…a month ago.

I’ve been on a forced yoga hiatus and I have to say, it’s been wonderful for me.

The reason I clung so tightly – to both the boyfriend and the yoga – was that I didn’t trust that they would always really be there for me. I worried that they would reject me, or maybe I would be the one to get bored and need something new. I was hanging on for dear life in an attempt to keep things status quo.

But it seems that I’ve grown up a little and learned some things. Things like:

“You only lose what you cling to.” ~Buddha

This break from Bikram class has allowed me to step back and create a more healthy relationship with yoga. There is no need to cling. I can hold it softly, lightly, without crushing it. I can take a break without threatening the survival of my yoga.

It is intertwined into every part of my life, it is a part of me and always will be. There is no need to prove to anyone that I’m a yogi – I don’t even need to prove it to myself. I can trust it. I can relax.

Because yoga is about so much more than just asana practice. It is the way I live my life. It’s the 8 Limbs. It’s pranayama and ahimsa and meditation. It’s what I choose to eat and the way I choose to see the world. It’s all yoga.

I’m glad to be back to the asana practice after my hiatus. I missed it and I missed my yogi community. Walking into that hot room after 3 weeks away felt like a big giant hug. My practice is not as strong as it was before I took the break but that doesn’t bother me in the slightest. My relationship with the yoga is different. It’s deeper. More settled. There is a stillness and a security that is new. This is no fling; we’re in it for the long haul.

For richer or poorer.

In sickness and in health.

Until death do us part.

———————————————-

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Benched: what happens when you can’t do yoga?

Tags

acceptance, Bikram yoga, health, meditation, yoga

You cannot do yoga. Yoga is your natural state. What you can do are yoga exercises, which may reveal to you where you are resisting your natural state.

~ Sharon Gannon

I’m under doctor’s orders to not go to yoga.

This is an unfortunate development.

I mentioned a while ago that my ankle was bothering me. Well, 5 weeks later, it’s not any better, so clearly my strategy of doing yoga and just “going easy” isn’t working.

So, I’m benched for a while.

I need to rest my ankle as much as possible over the next couple of weeks. I thought about being rebellious and ignoring my doctor, but the truth is that I want this ankle thing to be over. It’s better to take a hiatus and let it heal, rather than stubbornly keep going to yoga while I prolong the issue.

But this brings up another matter. I’m kinda hooked on yoga. When I don’t go, of course my body gets stiff but – it’s much more about my mind. A dear friend once told me that Bikram helps her to “sweat out the crazy.” Amen to that.

It’s easy for me to panic about not going to yoga and resign myself to the idea that if I can’t do my regular practice that I’m destined to be stressed and anxious.

But that’s a cop-out.

Peace, compassion and patience are all things that I am capable of — the yoga just helps get me there. Even without the postures or the hot room, I have the capacity for a still mind. I can control the crazy. I just have to work a little harder for it.

So, on my hiatus, I’ll be working on other things that calm my mind and comfort my soul. I’ll be sticking closely to my daily meditation schedule — at least 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes at night. I’ll be trying my best to continue that mindfulness during the day. (And yes, I’m doing a very light home practice that doesn’t put any weight on my ankle, let’s just not mention that to my doctor.)

I miss yoga terribly, but this is one of those things that is annoying in the short term but beneficial in the long term.

I’m working on my acceptance and knowing that my practice will always be there for me. I’m trying to remember that yoga is my natural state.

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Well. That was unexpected.

Tags

acceptance, Bikram yoga, gratitude, health, life choices

(This was a really hard post to write because I wanted things to be different. I wanted this to be a different post. But I have this inconvenient idea that it’s best to be ‘honest” about “my experiences” – so I wrote it. Here you go. Sigh.)

Sometimes things don’t go quite the way you hoped that they would.

I went to the Mary Jarvis workshop the other weekend. I was nervous but excited about the day. I was prepared that it would be LOOOONG. I lined up someone to walk the dog.

Husband and I arrived at the studio and the place was abuzz. Lots of yogis were in from out of town to take this class and the energy was high. So was the heat. So was the humidity.

The day was scheduled to be a Bikram yoga class, then a posture clinic afterwards. The Bikram class lasted for 3 hours. Mary was great and had interesting and profound things to say but I found myself completely overwhelmed and could barely hear her most of the time. The screaming in my own head was much, much louder than she was.

It felt like my first class.

No, I take that back. It was much harder than my first class.

I laid out probably 70 percent of the postures. My heart was in my throat, I could not get a handle on my breathing and I kept blacking out. To my right, a couple of my teachers were in similar flattened-like-road-kill poses. To my left, Husband collapsed into a pool of sweat on his towel. At least I was not alone.

After class, I sat with Husband and attempted to talk to him. This was challenging as I realized two things: I didn’t have the energy to make coherent sentences and he couldn’t hear me because he was so spaced out. Then he got up and stumbled outside into an alley across the street from our studio.

I got a cold washcloth and ran out to him, attempting to be a good wife. There he was, in bare feet and his tiny yoga shorts doubled over, heaving in an alley behind a fancy apartment building. I’ve never ever seen him so wrecked. This was not the Saturday that I had planned.

We sat in the studio lobby for an hour and tried to get ourselves together. It was futile. He was really pale and had a hard time keeping down coconut water. My hands were still numb. It was just too much. I could complain and justify and say a million things went wrong – from heater management to placement in the room (we know I love to blame external circumstances) but none of that really matters. The bottom line was we just were not having fun.

So, when Husband said that he needed to go home but I could stay for the posture clinic- I considered my options for about three seconds.

There are times to do yoga, and then there are times to not do yoga. I chose to take care of my partner. We went home.

I’m really bummed that it all went down like that. I had really been excited to learn.

Since then, I’ve talked to other people at my studio who said that the class was “crazy” but that they really enjoyed the clinic. I’m really glad. I wanted it to be good.

I’m not saying that all Mary Jarvis classes are like this – it wasn’t her fault.

It simply highlighted for me something that I’ve always known – I’m not hardcore. I love this intense form of yoga and I’ve done 30 Day Challenges but I’m just not the bootcamp kind of yogi. I feel great admiration for those who are and I absolutely love watching them to do their thing –  but I just can’t hack it. I’m okay with that reality. I don’t need to be the best, most bad-ass yogi around.

I wanted to learn. I wanted to have fun in the hot room while deepening my practice. I didn’t want to be so challenged that I was unable to participate. I didn’t want to see my Husband heaving in an alley.

It was an experience. Sometimes you don’t get to understand why things turn out differently than you expected. Sometimes you just need to accept the experience as it is given to you and be grateful.

I’m grateful that I stayed in the room and managed my panic. I’m grateful that I didn’t beat myself up for laying out. I’m grateful that I only cried a little bit. I’m grateful for my imperfect little yoga practice.

And here’s something else I’m grateful for – after a 3 hour class, a regular 90 minutes class feels like a walk in the park.

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What I wish I had known as a Bikram yoga beginner

Tags

Bikram yoga, health, meditation

There are the classic do’s and don’ts that every hot room newbie hears, as they nervously prepare for their first class. It’s usually about setting up, drinking water and where to leave their sweaty rental towel.

But the practice of Bikram yoga is full of subtleties that I wish I had known when I got started. Here are just a few of them:

~ Sweat is sexy. I know you think it’s gross. But it’s so not. Sweat means passion. Dedication. Hard work. Health. It’s hot. Seriously.

~ Don’t worry about getting into better shape or getting more flexible before you come to your first class. We were all kinds of broken down messes when we first came. Fitness and flexibility come from going to class. Just start where you are.

~ Don’t set up in the front row on your first class, but stagger your mat so that you can see yourself in the mirror. You don’t like to look in a mirror, you say? You cringe at the sight of yourself in work-out clothes? That is exactly why you are here. It’s not to get the cute yoga ass you’ve heard so much about; that’s just a side effect. You are here to learn to love your reflection. We all had that critical voice in our head when we got here; you are here to kill that voice. You are here so that you can look in the mirror and smile kindly at yourself, like you are an old friend. You are here so that someday you can look yourself in the eyes and bow to your own grace and strength.

~ You will learn that us Bikram yogis love our bodies. Not that we are all perfect, by any means, but we love the incredible things that our forms are capable of. We treat them with respect and pride. This means we are not afraid to wear the smallest yoga clothes possible and we’re fine with nudity in the change room. We gave up shame around class #5. You will, too.

~ Savasana really is the hardest posture we do. When you are in camel, you might think I am full of it. But really, it’s savasana. It’s brutal to be still, in both mind and body, but that is OK. This is a lifelong practice.

~ The postures build on themselves; there will be a first step, then a next step. If you feel too challenged by a posture, go back to an earlier step and work on mastering that. Substituting different yoga postures or crunches or wind-sprints does not impress us. It makes us worry you will hurt yourself. You can take an improv class on a different night.

~ When you begin, you might think Bikram is all about the work-out because it’s all you can get your mind around. Be reassured that this practice is about embracing stillness, managing your ego and getting control of your monkey mind. It’s a profoundly spiritual meditation practice – it just takes a few classes to get your mind to shut the hell up long enough to realize that.

~ I promise you that even though it is all you can think about – leaving the room will not help you. I’ve seen several people pass out, all of them were attempting to leave the room when they went down. Sit or lie down on your mat and let the community energy and the watchful eye of the instructor support you. Breathe.

~ Get ready. If you decide to stick with this, get ready for a community more supportive that you could ever imagine. Get ready for huge challenges and more huge rewards. Get ready to cry in postures because you never thought it was possible that you could ever do them. Get ready to crave time in the hot room. Get ready to wonder what you ever did without it. Get ready for the yoga to change your body, mind and relationships in ways that will shock you.

Get ready.

Then get in there.

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I had a bad Bikram class. Can I blame you?

Tags

acceptance, Bikram yoga, gratitude, health

Me on my mat. In black and white. Like a horror film.

It was a bad yoga class. Really bad.

And yes, I understand that I am not supposed to judge my classes like that. Any class you go to is a good class, yada yada. I get it.

But, this was a really shitty class.

I was swallowing down vomit from Half Moon until the floor series. I was dizzy and the room kept going dark. Everything was spinning. I sat down frequently and when I wasn’t sitting, I was wishing I was sitting.

I fell out of Tree pose three times. Tree! The pose I’ve been doing for fun since I was five years old. The pose that is my default stance while brushing my teeth. It was disheartening, to say the least.

I felt betrayed.

I had held up my part of the bargain and the yoga had abandoned me. I had gotten myself into the hot room and it had not shown up to provide me with the clear-headed joy I have come to expect from a Bikram class.

I left the studio, near tears. As we walked to the car, I recounted to Husband all the good, nourishing foods I had eaten that day. I was perfectly hydrated and well rested. I had set up in my favorite spot in the room and class was led by a teacher I adore. There was no reason for this, I whined. I stopped just short of stomping my feet.

That’s when Husband said, “This stuff isn’t linear. There isn’t always a clear cause and effect. It just is what it is.”

I was so busy trying to control the experience and find something to blame it on that I overlooked a fundamental truth – sometimes the result isn’t up to me. Sometimes I can’t explain it all. Sometimes it just is, and there is no one to blame so that I can feel better.

That’s life. The thing that seems amazing, ends up being a giant belly flop. And the worst thing in the world, turns out to be a gift of immense proportions.

The yoga didn’t abandon me. It just challenged me in a new way. Sure, a way that made me wildly uncomfortable and pukey, but it was a way that showed me a new level of commitment. Because even though I had that horrifying class, I still went back. I proved that I would stick with it, even when the going got tough.

Eventually, and with gratitude:

I surrendered.

I accepted.

I moved on.

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Meditation information: setting up a space

Tags

health, meditation, mindfulness, spirituality

Meditation is hard.

I know so many people who sit for meditation once, watch their brain bounce off the walls for a while and then quit, saying that their mind is just too busy.

I hate to break it to them – but their mind is not special. Everyone’s mind is that busy.

Meditation is really hard. That doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong or you shouldn’t do it at all. That would be like saying that you can’t take piano lessons because you can’t play Mozart.

Of course you can’t get your mind quiet. You haven’t been trained yet. And by the way, training takes about 20 years. I’ve been meditating for 4 years and I’m lucky if my mind is still for 10-15 minutes out of a 30 minute session.

So, why do it if it’s so hard? Because the rewards are epic. Seriously epic.

It seems that science is finally catching up with the Buddha. I could write pages on all the research about how meditators (who have been meditating for as little as 8 weeks, for 25 minutes a day) have better tolerance for stress and pain. They have measurable changes in the cerebral cortex and are just better able to deal with the complexities of life.

So, all that is great, but personally, I find that my meditation practice is just about the most fundamental thing I do with my day. Everything else goes more smoothly when I make time to get quiet. My priorities get realigned and I feel more peaceful even during the stressful parts of my day.

All you need to meditate effectively is the desire to do it. All you need to do to start — is to start.

Choosing a meditation space is really the first step. Of course, you can just plop down anywhere and meditate, but setting up a dedicated location and including some ritual has been very helpful for maintaining my routine. My space is a small one, in the corner of my bedroom. (I have spent hours on Pinterest coming up with a fabulous design for the elaborate meditation room I will someday have, but for now I’m perfectly happy meditating next to my closet door.)

Luckily, Grace has learned to lie quietly next to me while I mediate — but if you can find a private space and keep pets, kids and spouses out of your hair for a while, it is enormously helpful. Mostly, you just want to sit somewhere you can breathe and not stare at piles of laundry or bills.

I don’t have much in my space, just a small table with a few things that I love. I have a small statue of Ganesha (pictured above) and another one of Buddha. I have a candle, some incense, my mala, some rocks I brought home from South Africa and a feather Husband gave me when I was having a particularly bad day. You don’t need any of that for a meditation practice, but I find that I like to have things that make me happy and prep me for peace.

What you do need is something comfy to sit on, otherwise you are setting yourself up to a twitchy, achy fail. You need to elevate your hips a little and support your spine. I love my Samadhi cushion but a regular couch cushion or even a rolled up yoga mat works well, too. If you have back issues, you might be more comfortable in a chair or lying down.

I use the free Mindfulness app on my iPhone, but you can use anything to time your mediations. I find a timer to be very helpful in setting my goals and allowing me to feel accomplished when that little bell chimes.

I’ll do another post and we’ll talk about what we’re actually doing when we meditate. For now, just pick out your space and if you want any tools, like a timer or cushion, get those together. Then we’ll start increasing that gray matter!

(Do you already have a meditation practice? What is your space like??)

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