Drop back freak out

Tags

drop backs, Monkey mind, panic attacks, teacher training, trust, Vinyasa, yoga

A bird sitting in a tree is not afraid of the branch breaking because her trust is not in the branch, but in her own wings.

-Anonymous

After years of contemplation, I am finally doing yoga teacher training. It’s training in hot Vinyasa, which I’ve been integrating into my Bikram practice for a while now.

While the training is really wonderful — it’s really freaking me out. That’s also how I know it’s good.

We did assisted drop backs the other day. A drop back is where you stand there and backbend so far that your hands hit the ground and you end up in wheel pose. It looks like this:

via Yoga Journal

It sucks.

It sucks not just because it’s physically hard, it sucks because it’s mentally hard. Really hard. As evidenced by the fact that I kinda had a panic attack and cried when faced with the prospect of doing it.

Now, I’m not one of those people who can cry with any subtlety. If I’m crying, everyone within a half-mile radius knows it. I am without a poker face.

So, I was in class, standing there and crying, with my teacher supporting my hips. I began to bend backwards and my monkey mind took over. And it totally trashed the joint.

All my trust issues and all my fears cozied up to me on that yoga mat. Every person who had ever let me fall came into exquisitely painful focus. I thought of everyone who I expected to be there, everyone I thought could hold me up when I most needed it, everyone who turned away when I needed support.

I remembered every time I felt like I was in free-fall, failing around, disoriented and not sure when I would hit the ground, but knowing that the crash landing would destroy every part of me. I thought of when my back was broken, when my heart was broken, when my soul was broken.

And I froze and cried some more.

I could not do this.

And then, Kelly, my teacher, did what all gifted yoga teachers do. She said the thing that I had no idea that I needed to hear.

“It’s all about trust. And it’s not about trusting me. It’s about trusting you.”

I took a breath. And then I did a drop back.

I decided to trust myself. Which is not easy, since there have been moments when even I didn’t hold myself up in the way that I most needed. But I decided to forgive myself for those past blunders, and trust that in this moment, I was going to support myself fully. I was going to be my own best ally and cheerleader and friend. I was going to trust that I’d be okay. Even if I fell.

But I didn’t fall. I caught myself.

As we moved on to the next postures, Kelly gave us corrections and had a question for me:

“Hey Lisa, do you know you have a giant grin on your face right now?”

I didn’t know. But I wasn’t surprised.

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Bikram: the red-headed stepchild of yoga?

Tags

Ashtanga, Bikram, Bikram yoga Roma, Iyanger, Vinyasa, yoga

I love practicing Bikram yoga in other countries. Husband and I went to Rome and hearing the dialogue in Italian was one of my favorite parts of the trip, closely following Carciofi alla Romana and the fact that Nutella is considered a food group. Plus, I now know the Italian word for “change” is “cambia.” Healthy and educational.

The slight differences in international studios are interesting to note (Italian students seem to groan more than their American counterparts) but generally, I am comforted by the routine and I’ve felt very welcome in Bikram studios in far off lands.

While Bikram is my yoga/drug of choice, I thought I would branch out and try some other varietals. Some Ashtanga, some Vinyasa, I even threw some Iyanger in there. It’s been fun, flirting with other practices. I’ve learned cool new things. But there is one constant I’ve found.

I warn you, it’s unpleasant.

At every studio I’ve gone to, they ask if I’m new to yoga. I tell them I’m new to the studio but I have yoga experience, mostly Bikram. As soon as that comes out of my mouth, tension fills the room and I feel like an interloper.

“Well, this is not that.”

Well, of course it’s not that. If I wanted that, I’d be at the studio where they do that.
And why say “that” like you are pointing to something slimy on the floor?

Why is Bikram the red-headed stepchild of yoga?

Where is the non-judgmental yogi attitude I’ve come to love? Did I balk at the new studio when I was told to get blocks and straps, just because my main form of yoga doesn’t use props? Hell, no. I did it their way because I was in their house.

Yet, I’ve experienced it all, from eye rolling to a long lecture about how Bikram is going to distroy my skeletal system and kill me in my sleep.

Is it because Bikram is a relatively new form of yoga? Is it because of the heat? Is it because Bikram Choudhury himself is a bit of an odd duck, who takes branding super seriously? Maybe it’s not a targeted hot yoga vendetta at all. Maybe people are just generally dogmatic and want to prostheletize their own way, bashing yours in the process.

I would love to return to the idea of different – yet equally valid – paths up the mountain. I believe that we are all trying to get to the same place with our yoga; different branches of the discipline just speak to us in different ways.

Practice and let practice, yogis.

If you’ve had similar experiences (or vastly different ones) please share. I’d be interested to know how others interpret this phenomenon…

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