Meditation Intervention

Tags

acceptance, meditation, mindfulness, Monkey mind, relationships, spirituality

This week, I’m going to do a Meditation Intervention with a friend of mine.

This is not because I’m The World’s Best Meditator or anything. She asked me to share my experience and offer advice, since I’m familiar with this particular stretch of turbulent waters. I’ve been fumbling my way through the often frustrating landscape of meditation for a while now.

My friend is an incredibly strong person, who has recently gone through difficult things that give me heart palpitations even thinking about. She has been doing some meditation, but she’s feeling pretty stuck at the moment.

I’m sure this sounds very familiar to all you meditators. We’ve all been there…bogged down by Monkey Mind and feeling like we are just not good at meditation. We think we are weak-willed or doing it wrong or just inherently incapable. Worst of all, we say the most horrible things to ourselves about what this apparent failure means about our character.

So, I’m going to try to shake some self-compassion into her – because here’s the thing:

Meditation is our natural state, we’ve just forgotten how to linger there.

Stillness, presence, awareness – look at any other animal in the natural world and you’ll see that they are constantly living in that state. We are the only animals that have misplaced that skill. It’s there somewhere, lost amongst the clutter of incoming texts and deadlines and trips to the DMV. We simply need to practice getting that stillness back, but our culture is so far removed from those natural skills that getting it back is really hard.

We spend decades learning to multi-task, use our critical thinking skills and plan ahead…which is all great.

But we almost never practice getting our brain to shut the hell up.

I confess: I am not a great meditator. It’s not like I sit down and it’s all stillness and light in there. I have to work – hard. It takes a lot of focus and energy for me to center myself for even 50% of the time that I am sitting on my meditation cushion.

Have I mentioned that I have had a daily meditation practice for 7 years?

Nevertheless, this is something that I have committed myself to, because of what it does for the rest of my life. It’s like to going to the gym. You don’t go to the gym to be really good at going to the gym. You go to the gym because it makes you healthier for the rest of your life outside of the gym.

Meditation is the same way. I might not spend my 25 minutes in the morning in a perfect state of bliss. I might have to chase down my mind, like I’m chasing after a puppy in a theme park. I might have itches and kinks and a really annoying eyelash in my eye. I just need to surrender to all of that.

Because regardless of how that all goes, the process of sitting down with the intention of being in stillness always causes me to spend the rest of my day in a greater sense of awareness.

Always.

So, I’m not entirely sure what I’ll say to my friend for our Meditation Intervention. There is no magic bullet for this stuff, but maybe I’ll start with this:

Meditation is one of those things you simply can’t fail at. The only failure is in being unkind and giving up on yourself.

——–

In case you are looking for a little motivation or inspiration, these are books that I really like:

Wherever You Go, There You Are – Jon Kabat-Zinn Ph.D:

He’s a molecular biologist, you can’t get much more straight shooting than that. He has an entire center dedicated to the proven medical benefits of meditation (or mindfulness, as he calls it, so that people don’t get intimidated). You can’t go wrong with any of his books.

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook – Edmund J. Bourne:

This is the first book my therapist started me off with when she recommended meditation for my panic attacks. It has clear directions for anxiety reducing techniques and short writing exercises.

Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation – Sharon Salzberg:

Perfect for beginners. I love this one because it’s a 28 day program that comes with a CD of 15 minute guided meditations.

After the Ecstasy, the Laundry – Jack Kornfield:

Besides that it’s an awesome title, this book has some great thoughts on waking up to our life.

When Things Fall Apart (or really anything) by Pema Chodron:

Particularly wonderful if you are dealing with specific challenges.

10% Happier – Dan Harris:

This is a great book for the cynic or the person who is convinced they can’t meditate. There are some things I don’t love about the book, but it explains complicated concepts very clearly.

Also, anything by Thich Nhat Hanh, Sylvia Boorstein or Eckhart Tolle.

And if you are looking for guided mediations, check out these from the University of Virginia Mindfulness Center.

 

Some of my favorite meditation posts:

• Meditations on Meditating
  
• Meditation information: umm, what are we doing??
  
• Why you should meditate even if you suck at it
• How my iPhone reminds me to remember
• Stillness training
• Relieving stress by sleeping with the troops

 

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My life without yoga

Tags

Bikram yoga, gratitude, health, meditation, Pure Barre, relationships

A little while ago, I bought a Living Social deal for Pure Barre. I’ve gone 7 times now and like it. I just don’t love it. I like feeling a little like a ballerina (since I am so far from one) and I like the fact that it works some muscles that yoga doesn’t get to. I know this for a fact, because after my first class I was limping around for 2 days.

But, for me at least, it’s no yoga.

I get the physical burn, but I don’t get the mental cleanse that I get from the hot room. Maybe some people do get that from Barre, but I never felt it. This was a good reminder that for me – yoga really is special.

It makes me think back to my pre-yoga existence.

In the summer of 2009, I wandered into a Bikram yoga studio with no idea what to expect. I’d done yoga before, but I’d never had a serious practice. It was mostly just a couple of Rodney Yee tapes (yes, actual VHS tapes) that I’d dust off once in a while.

I’d been a meditator for a couple of years, so it seemed to make sense that I would try out yoga. A friend had heard great things about our local Bikram studio and she thought I might like it.

I will forever be indebted to Rachel for this suggestion.

I had just come home from a month of studying at Oxford and it wasn’t all I expected it to be. I felt mildly depressed and mildly fat. I don’t mean to jump on the bandwagon and bash the Brits for their food, but let’s just say the vegetarian-on-a-budget experience was not great.

I needed to get my life back on track. I figured yoga couldn’t hurt.

Now, thinking about life without yoga is just crazy. If I didn’t do yoga, my life would be totally different.

~ I wouldn’t have the support of such a wonderful yogi community.

~ I wouldn’t eat such healthy foods.

~ I wouldn’t have such deep and healing meditations.

~ I would not sleep as well.

~ I would not be as strong, mentally, physical, spiritually.

 ~ I would still have panic attacks.

 ~ I would not have such a strong connection with my husband.

 ~ I would be less comfortable with my body.

~ I would be shorter. (Seriously, I grew an inch.)

~ I would not have had the experience of doing yoga in a foreign country.

~ I would struggle more with depression.

~ I would have continuing back problems from my injury.

So, yeah, some days it’s hard to get myself to the studio. Some days it feels extra hot and humid and the yoga truck runs me over. Some days I feel stiff and my backbend is not as pretty as I want it to be. Some days I just want to sit on the couch and watch re-runs of Top Chef.

But when I look at it all cumulatively, the only logical thing to do is to go put on those tiny shorts.

Namaste.

You might also like:

• You’re not a yogi just because you do yoga
  
• If you’re terrified, you’re doing it right: authenticity
  
• In which I explain the difference between yoga clothes and underwear
  

My Bikram buddy

Tags

Bikram yoga, gratitude, Love, relationships

Husband and I will be celebrating our seventh wedding anniversary this weekend and it’s got me feeling all mushy.

We’ve been together for 11 years but only in the last 3 years have we embarked on this amazing spiritual and physical journey called yoga. It’s done wonderful and unexpected things for our relationship.

I think we are more patient with each other now. More present. More forgiving and understanding. We are better friends to each other. We let things go and have more fun.

We had it good before, but this practice has really built on that foundation.

I’d love to be able to explain exactly why our Bikram practice has changed our relationship, but it’s fairly intangible. Let’s just chalk it up to yet another crazy/amazing yoga side effect.

I want it noted for the record; I started doing Bikram yoga first. I think I attended two classes before he shocked me by saying he’d like to try it. From Day 1, his Awkward Pose has been way better than mine – which is totally annoying – but otherwise it’s super great to have a Bikram Buddy.

Here are some reasons why:

• We have shared goals for the future… like full camel.
• We can make dialogue-based jokes about “hands palms” or “Japanese Ham Sandwich” and we think we are hilarious.
• I can suggest spending the day in a posture clinic/doing advanced/watching regional yoga championships AFTER a 90 minute class, without having my spouse hand me a pamphlet about how to get out of a cult.
• We use matching yoga towels.
• It’s awesome to hear “Nice toe stands, Joneses.”
• We can giggle about the taste of coconut water.
• Sometimes I need someone to hold my hand in final savasana.
• It’s fun to try to knock his arms down in Full Locust, which brings some much needed levity to the spine strengthening series.
• When he stands at the front door holding a mat and towel and says, “Really? You are not coming to class?” it is very persuasive.
• I like to get/give a supportive look between standing series and the floor series, as I’m collapsing to the ground.
• He reminds me that it’s two hours before class so I should eat something.
• We can split a half bottle of wine at dinner and get totally wasted.
• We do vacation yoga.
• We are both bendy. That’s just fun.

There are lots of other non-yoga things that rock about him…but listing all those would just get obnoxious.

Thanks for the past 11 years, Jem. Let’s do more of that.

You might also enjoy: 

• Yoga: the good person and the bad person
• Relationship realities: keeping priories straight while paths intertwine

The good kind of selfish

Tags

childfree, life choices, relationships

“Selfish” is a terrible, awful, no good word that gets bandied about our society quite frequently. I find it particularly uncomfortable because I’ve had it aimed at me.

Usually, the selfish dagger originates from the fact that I am childfree; Husband and I have decided that the two of us will be the only humans in our family. Because of this, people assume that if I don’t devote my life to a child, I must devote my life to bon-bons, daytime television and my own hedonistic pleasure-seeking. It’s a shockingly common and enduring stereotype that makes my blood boil — along with the idea that childfree women are cold, uncaring, will never know real love and are not actual women…but that’s for another post.

People also tend to think those on a spiritual path are oblivious navel-gazers.

Oh yeah, and I’m an only child.

So, I am triple screwed when it comes to that selfishness label.

But, I am not selfish. I would list all the things I do that are selfless, but I don’t want to get all defensive and feel like I have to justify and prove myself. Not on my own blog.

Clearly, I have internalized this whole selfish thing. For example, I am a quilter. I am a tattooed, vegetarian yogi quilter. Unusual, I know, but I love quilting. I love quilts. I have gone to quilt shows just to admire them. I think they are stunning works of art and they bring me joy. I’ve been quilting for about six years but I recently realized something – I don’t have a quilt. Every pre-schooler within a 100 mile radius has a handmade quilt from me. I made a quilt for our guest room. The dog has a quilt. But I don’t have a quilt to call my own.

It suddenly occurred to me that this is odd.

So, I am making myself a quilt.

And I feel terrible about it.

Every time I sit down to work on this quilt, I wonder, should I really be spending time on this? It’s so selfish. Am I really sewing this quilt for myself just because it makes me happy?

Yes. I am sewing this quilt for myself because it makes me happy.

Aren’t happy people better for the world?

I am not hurting or neglecting anyone by making myself a quilt. Yet, when ever I make a decision like this, choosing something that is in my own best interest and makes me happy or improves my life in some way, I hear this hiss of selfish in my ear.

“In Mandarin Chinese, they have two words for selfish. One means doing that which is beneficial to you and the other means hoarding, greedy, and cruel. We, in English have pushed those two words together.”

-Elizabeth Gilbert

There is a huge difference between those two definitions. We should encourage people who do what is right for them, what makes them feel fulfilled and able to face the challenges of being human. Not everyone in the world has the exact same opportunities and desires, and that is why you should take advantage of yours. Have babies or don’t. Work outside the home or inside. Quilt or sky dive or go to clown college. If your passions are not hoarding, greedy or cruel – have at it.

Be the good kind of selfish and share that joy.

You might also like: 

• Accurate not arrogant: admitting your strengths
• Just now now: company is coming

Relationship realities: keeping priories straight while paths intertwine

Tags

relationships

This is where I was 6 years ago. Getting hitched to my BFF in Italy. It was a pretty sweet day. 

My husband and I recently celebrated our 6 year anniversary, so I’ve been doing that whole reflection thing. We fall in love and make proclamations (both public and private) and there’s blushing and hoopla and music and flower petals. But then the honeymoon is literally over and there’s laundry and bills and the flu.

Relationships of all kinds are an essential piece of the spiritual journey. Having a strong partnership can make the whole thing even more fun, but joining your life’s path to someone else’s can be incredibly challenging. Here are the best ways I’ve found to cut the day-to-day drama and focus on what’s important.

Go to bed mad
Life is not a sitcom; not everything can be neatly wrapped up in 28 minutes. Everyone needs space to think things out and gain some perspective. Rarely is 2 a.m. the best time to find a resolution for real-life problems.

Start seeing other people
I require friends who are all mine. Girl’s Night Out is not frivolous; it’s essential to my mental health and prevents me from becoming a Stepford Wife Zombie.

Don’t talk about it 
I have to write things out. My mouth moves faster than my brain and writing helps me be clear, complete and less whipped into an emotional frenzy.

Make sure neither one of you gets what you want
Compromise is key. I try to not get stuck with this idea about being right and winning, the real win is a peaceful and fulfilling relationship, even if it means bending a bit.

Talk behind his back
Venting to a friend can be really helpful and an honest reaction to the situation is invaluable. I have specific, time-tested friends for this; people who will shoot straight and won’t go blabbing my business. I also make sure I am not talking to my friend instead of talking to my husband.

Be evasive
Sometimes, I need to change the subject. For in-depth issues, sometimes a break from the discussion is in order. Doing something fun together that we both enjoy is entirely invigorating and offers important perspective.

Talk about yourself a lot
Unfortunately for him, my husband is not a mind reader. If I need something that I am not getting from the relationship, I have to actually verbalize that. Assuming that he “should” know never works well. Then I need to reciprocate by asking him what he wants from the relationship. And  then I need to remember to actually listen.

Lie
down. The oxytocin and endorphins that are activated during sexual activity are great for the mental state. It lowers blood pressure and reduces stress. Sex clearly isn’t just about the deed, it’s about maintaining and strengthening the emotional connections with a partner. Oh yeah, and it’s fun.

Pretend it didn’t happen
At a certain point, some issues just need to be released. I mean seriously released, not to be dug up again two years later. If I can forgive, I do my best to forgive completely. I find it to be even more healing for me than for the person I’m forgiving. Acceptance is incredibly powerful.

Treat your partner like they are a cop
Being polite goes along way. I like to say thank you and be appreciative when he does something helpful. I suck it up and apologize when I’ve done something wrong. These daily decencies tend to go out the window when you’ve been together a while. Loving kindness is a wonderful spiritual practice.