Drop back freak out

Tags

drop backs, Monkey mind, panic attacks, teacher training, trust, Vinyasa, yoga

A bird sitting in a tree is not afraid of the branch breaking because her trust is not in the branch, but in her own wings.

-Anonymous

After years of contemplation, I am finally doing yoga teacher training. It’s training in hot Vinyasa, which I’ve been integrating into my Bikram practice for a while now.

While the training is really wonderful — it’s really freaking me out. That’s also how I know it’s good.

We did assisted drop backs the other day. A drop back is where you stand there and backbend so far that your hands hit the ground and you end up in wheel pose. It looks like this:

via Yoga Journal

It sucks.

It sucks not just because it’s physically hard, it sucks because it’s mentally hard. Really hard. As evidenced by the fact that I kinda had a panic attack and cried when faced with the prospect of doing it.

Now, I’m not one of those people who can cry with any subtlety. If I’m crying, everyone within a half-mile radius knows it. I am without a poker face.

So, I was in class, standing there and crying, with my teacher supporting my hips. I began to bend backwards and my monkey mind took over. And it totally trashed the joint.

All my trust issues and all my fears cozied up to me on that yoga mat. Every person who had ever let me fall came into exquisitely painful focus. I thought of everyone who I expected to be there, everyone I thought could hold me up when I most needed it, everyone who turned away when I needed support.

I remembered every time I felt like I was in free-fall, failing around, disoriented and not sure when I would hit the ground, but knowing that the crash landing would destroy every part of me. I thought of when my back was broken, when my heart was broken, when my soul was broken.

And I froze and cried some more.

I could not do this.

And then, Kelly, my teacher, did what all gifted yoga teachers do. She said the thing that I had no idea that I needed to hear.

“It’s all about trust. And it’s not about trusting me. It’s about trusting you.”

I took a breath. And then I did a drop back.

I decided to trust myself. Which is not easy, since there have been moments when even I didn’t hold myself up in the way that I most needed. But I decided to forgive myself for those past blunders, and trust that in this moment, I was going to support myself fully. I was going to be my own best ally and cheerleader and friend. I was going to trust that I’d be okay. Even if I fell.

But I didn’t fall. I caught myself.

As we moved on to the next postures, Kelly gave us corrections and had a question for me:

“Hey Lisa, do you know you have a giant grin on your face right now?”

I didn’t know. But I wasn’t surprised.

You might also like:

• Standing bow – everywhere
• Letting go in the back row: when yoga habits hinder
• You’re not a yogi just because you do yoga

Advertisements

Meditation Intervention

Tags

acceptance, meditation, mindfulness, Monkey mind, relationships, spirituality

This week, I’m going to do a Meditation Intervention with a friend of mine.

This is not because I’m The World’s Best Meditator or anything. She asked me to share my experience and offer advice, since I’m familiar with this particular stretch of turbulent waters. I’ve been fumbling my way through the often frustrating landscape of meditation for a while now.

My friend is an incredibly strong person, who has recently gone through difficult things that give me heart palpitations even thinking about. She has been doing some meditation, but she’s feeling pretty stuck at the moment.

I’m sure this sounds very familiar to all you meditators. We’ve all been there…bogged down by Monkey Mind and feeling like we are just not good at meditation. We think we are weak-willed or doing it wrong or just inherently incapable. Worst of all, we say the most horrible things to ourselves about what this apparent failure means about our character.

So, I’m going to try to shake some self-compassion into her – because here’s the thing:

Meditation is our natural state, we’ve just forgotten how to linger there.

Stillness, presence, awareness – look at any other animal in the natural world and you’ll see that they are constantly living in that state. We are the only animals that have misplaced that skill. It’s there somewhere, lost amongst the clutter of incoming texts and deadlines and trips to the DMV. We simply need to practice getting that stillness back, but our culture is so far removed from those natural skills that getting it back is really hard.

We spend decades learning to multi-task, use our critical thinking skills and plan ahead…which is all great.

But we almost never practice getting our brain to shut the hell up.

I confess: I am not a great meditator. It’s not like I sit down and it’s all stillness and light in there. I have to work – hard. It takes a lot of focus and energy for me to center myself for even 50% of the time that I am sitting on my meditation cushion.

Have I mentioned that I have had a daily meditation practice for 7 years?

Nevertheless, this is something that I have committed myself to, because of what it does for the rest of my life. It’s like to going to the gym. You don’t go to the gym to be really good at going to the gym. You go to the gym because it makes you healthier for the rest of your life outside of the gym.

Meditation is the same way. I might not spend my 25 minutes in the morning in a perfect state of bliss. I might have to chase down my mind, like I’m chasing after a puppy in a theme park. I might have itches and kinks and a really annoying eyelash in my eye. I just need to surrender to all of that.

Because regardless of how that all goes, the process of sitting down with the intention of being in stillness always causes me to spend the rest of my day in a greater sense of awareness.

Always.

So, I’m not entirely sure what I’ll say to my friend for our Meditation Intervention. There is no magic bullet for this stuff, but maybe I’ll start with this:

Meditation is one of those things you simply can’t fail at. The only failure is in being unkind and giving up on yourself.

——–

In case you are looking for a little motivation or inspiration, these are books that I really like:

Wherever You Go, There You Are – Jon Kabat-Zinn Ph.D:

He’s a molecular biologist, you can’t get much more straight shooting than that. He has an entire center dedicated to the proven medical benefits of meditation (or mindfulness, as he calls it, so that people don’t get intimidated). You can’t go wrong with any of his books.

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook – Edmund J. Bourne:

This is the first book my therapist started me off with when she recommended meditation for my panic attacks. It has clear directions for anxiety reducing techniques and short writing exercises.

Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation – Sharon Salzberg:

Perfect for beginners. I love this one because it’s a 28 day program that comes with a CD of 15 minute guided meditations.

After the Ecstasy, the Laundry – Jack Kornfield:

Besides that it’s an awesome title, this book has some great thoughts on waking up to our life.

When Things Fall Apart (or really anything) by Pema Chodron:

Particularly wonderful if you are dealing with specific challenges.

10% Happier – Dan Harris:

This is a great book for the cynic or the person who is convinced they can’t meditate. There are some things I don’t love about the book, but it explains complicated concepts very clearly.

Also, anything by Thich Nhat Hanh, Sylvia Boorstein or Eckhart Tolle.

And if you are looking for guided mediations, check out these from the University of Virginia Mindfulness Center.

 

Some of my favorite meditation posts:

• Meditations on Meditating
  
• Meditation information: umm, what are we doing??
  
• Why you should meditate even if you suck at it
• How my iPhone reminds me to remember
• Stillness training
• Relieving stress by sleeping with the troops

 

The yogi cat: lessons on stillness

Tags

animal rescue, animal shelter, animals, Monkey mind, Surrender, volunteering

Several months ago, I started volunteering at my local no-kill animal shelter. Spending time there has now become one of the great joys of my life. How can it not be when I am greeted by a sweet face like this when I go into work?

Darla

At first I was rather intimidated by the whole thing. I was scared it was going to be depressing. Plus, the shelter needed the most help with the cats, and I’ve always been firmly planted in Camp Dog. The night before volunteer orientation, I stared at the ceiling at 3 am, convinced that this whole shelter idea was going to be too hard and just wasn’t my thing.

I’m so glad I try things that I’m convinced aren’t my thing. (See also: doing yoga in a really hot room.)

I immediately fell in love with my new gig and found myself a niche. I now tend to work with the … um … “difficult” cats. For unknown reasons, I gravitate to these troubled souls. I love the ones who have just recently come into the shelter, the ones who are not cute nor cuddly. They are freaked out and terrified and just a tiny bit evil-looking.

Usually, with lots of patience, love and salmon-flavored treats, they get more comfortable. They slowly relax and become sweet creatures who can be adopted to their new forever homes. It’s incredibly rewarding to watch a cat under my care transform from holy terror to purring lap companion.

The other day, I was working with a cat that has been exceptionally challenging – Xena. I was just talking to her for about 20 minutes while she was in her cage. I attempted to slowly scratch her ears but she kept backing away and giving me that wide-eyed killer cat look, and so I just talked to her more. I hate to admit it but at a certain point, hearing myself blabbering on to her – without seeming to give her any comfort – got a little tedious.

My mind wandered. I thought about checking my phone, I wondered if we had food in the house for dinner…when WHAM! SLASH! Out came Xena’s claws and suddenly my hand was a bloody mess. I was shocked: she had felt me mentally wandering away and my lack of mindfulness had made her nervous and defensive.

By the time I stopped swearing and pouring hand sanitizer all over my shredded fingers, it all struck me as pretty fascinating.

Animals are much more in tune with things like this, but anyone can see it when we are really being aware. Xena’s behavior exemplified something that happens everywhere in my life – when I forget to stay in the present moment, life gets much more uncomfortable and challenging.

Another place I can see that very clearly is the hot room. I can be doing a perfectly acceptable Standing Bow, but when I let my mind go off to write that email and recreate that misunderstanding with my friend…I fall on my face. It’s all about balance and when my monkey-mind is in charge, the balance is off. When I’m truly present in my yoga practice, I can connect with each muscle and tendon and cell in my body.

When I’m present with the shelter cats, I can be totally attuned to the nuance of the connection with them. I can feel when they are overwhelmed and need to crawl back into their beds to be alone. I can feel when they are ready to surrender a little and that sweet, warm motor inside them starts to purr. I can feel when they are ready be held for a little while and I can walk them up and down the aisles of the shelter so they can observe the bustling activity from the safety of my arms. I can connect with both myself and the world around me when I’m not distracted by my own thoughts.

But when I’m lamenting about the fact that I need to go return that thing at Home Depot, I miss all that beauty. I overlook all the potential in Xena, the potential in me and the potential in life itself.

And living that kind of life that is even more painful than Purelle on a cat scratch.

———–

You might also like:

• Give it 60%: battling perfectionism in yoga
  
• The day of Grace
  
• Cry it out: accepting compassion

New post at Elephant Journal: Learning to be still

Tags

acceptance, acting, community, life choices, meditation, mindfulness, Monkey mind, yoga

Hello, yogis!

I hope all of you North American readers had a lovely Labor Day weekend.

I wanted to share my brand new article about meditation, which was just published in Elephant Journal!

Learning to be still

“It’s funny,” my therapist said, “most people get panic attacks about things that will never happen. You get panic attacks about something that happens pretty often.”

I didn’t think it was that funny.

Please click here to read more.

And as always, thank you so much for all your support – it’s never easy talking about anxiety and panic attacks in a public forum. But the open-heartedness I’ve felt here has made it possible for me to share and hopefully, be of use to someone who is dealing with similar challenges.

I hope you enjoy the article.

Peace,

Lisa

You might also like:

• Meditation information: umm, what are we doing??
• Meditations on Meditating
• Why you should meditate even if you suck at it

Why you should meditate even if you suck at it

Tags

meditation, Monkey mind, spirituality

Because it’s better than watching another episode of House Hunters International.

Because even three seconds of stillness is better than no seconds of stillness.

Because sitting down to meditate sets the intention – and intention is everything.

Because little by little, your concentration will improve.

Because you feel incredible after.

Because you probably don’t suck at it.

Because science (and Buddha) says it’s good for you.

Because it’s important to be alone for a little while each day.

Because it’s good to occasionally disconnect from email, Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.

Because there is a great relief in stopping the deluge of thoughts, or at least realizing they are just thoughts – repetitive, unhelpful thoughts – and not the real you.

Because you’ll find that when you meditate, mindfulness creeps into the rest of your life. You will remember to breathe deeply and be in the moment as you are moving through your day. I believe that is the whole purpose of life – to wake up and be truly present for it.

Because once in a while you can hear that little voice deep inside you, the one that tells you the truth about everything and guides you in the right direction. But you have to be very quiet to hear it.

Because it’s like brushing your teeth. It might not be fun or sexy but it’s going to make the rest of your life, and the lives of those around you, much better.

So for all those reasons and a million more, I’ll be meditating today.

—————–

You might also like:

• Meditation information: setting up a space
  
• Meditation information: umm, what are we doing??
  
• Om Mani Padme – wait, what was that?
  

Rock the Savasana

Tags

acceptance, Bikram yoga, meditation, Monkey mind, savasana

Several years ago, when I had just started Bikram yoga, I was sitting on a bench after class, attempting to pull myself together after yet another challenging practice. My teacher yelled to me, across the room full of drenched, tired yogis.

“Hey, Lisa! You’re really good at Savasana.”

I was so embarrassed. I was good at lying on the floor like a dead body?

I laughed and did the thing where you look at the floor and say “thanks” under your breath but you are really looking for a hole to crawl into. I felt humiliated in front of other yogis who I thought were much better than I was.

What about the fancy postures where I’m balancing on one foot? What about the ones where I’m all tied up in knots? Why couldn’t she loudly and publicly complement those?

What I didn’t realize is that she was complementing my focus, concentration and ability to let go and not let my mind run the show.

She was complementing my ability to accept the moment, as imperfect as it might seem because of course, it really is perfect.

She was complementing the fact that I could joyfully surrender to what was.

It was a really lovely thing to say.

I just didn’t know it yet.

You might also like:

• Tears look like sweat: yoga for grief
  
• Stillness training
  
• Thoughts on 33: a birthday meltdown
  

Down dogs in the night: yoga for insomnia

Tags

acceptance, downdog, Monkey mind, sleeplessness, yoga

It was 3 AM and I was doing yoga in my underwear at the foot of my bed.

I would like to think that the whole thing looked just like that Briohny Smith video. While the circumstances might have been similar, I can assure you that there were some significant differences.

Thus, there is no photo for this post.

My bouts with insomnia are rare – I happen to be a world-class sleeper –  but when sleeplessness hits, my mind takes over and things get really ugly.

Like many people, I struggle with the antics of my Monkey Mind; I spend too much time either reenacting the past or anticipating an unlikely future. It gets even worse when I’m still awake at 2 AM. My crazy little Monkey Mind turns into a 800-pound, pissed off, feces-throwing gorilla.

My body scan meditation wasn’t working. (Focus on my toes, breathe, all my attention on my….what was that weird sound….damn…the dog is snoring. Wait, go back, all my attention on my toes…I can’t forget to send that email tomorrow….)

I needed something all-encompassing, to stop the racing thoughts and flip-flopping body. I finally decided to get up and do some yoga.

It totally worked.

It was really simple stuff –  I wasn’t going to attempt Standing Head to Knee or anything that required balancing. I did a few spine twists, downdog, cat/cow, Half Tortoise, some hamstring stretches and child’s pose. Then I crawled back into bed and fell immediately to sleep.

By giving my brain something else to focus on and by moving the energy around in my body, I was able to change up the situation and stop obsessing about the fact I wasn’t sleeping – and finally get to sleep. That gorilla calmed down and left me alone. It was glorious.

Has anyone else tried this? Did it work? Did you placate the gorilla? Did you at least feel a little like Briohny Smith??

Sleep tight, yogis!

You might also like:

• Meditation information: umm, what are we doing??
  
• Yoga Dreams
  
• Pranayama: the art of breathing
  

Missing the rabbit: the challenges of Beginner’s Mind

Tags

Bikram yoga, gratitude, life lessons, Monkey mind, present moment

“Hey, you skipped Rabbit pose!”

I stopped just short of saying that to my yoga instructor after class.

I suddenly realized that I had the foggiest memory of wrapping my heals with the towel.

She didn’t skip Rabbit pose. I skipped Rabbit pose. My mind had completely floated out of the hot room and I had been reenacting an annoying conversation (complete with the witty comeback I should have used) at the time I was supposed to be thinking about lifting my hips to the ceiling.

My body had done the pose, but my mind hadn’t.

My mind has wandered before, with one side of a posture, maybe one set — but BOTH sets?! I was AWOL for the entirety of Rabbit? Not good.

This is why Beginner’s Mind is so important, especially with Bikram yoga. We repeat the same 26 posture and the same 2 breathing exercises. The dialogue is pretty much always the same. But every time we practice, we need to enter the yoga studio with fresh eyes, taking each individual moment as it comes.

When we forget to use Beginner’s Mind, we anticipate the next posture and shorten our savasana just to get to the next set up. When we forget to be completely present, we let our minds monkey around, just because our bodies can be on automatic pilot.

It’s a huge challenge. But it’s one of the main reasons we come to the hot room and make funny shapes.

Because that automatic pilot mode can take place outside the yoga studio, too. Days, weeks, months can pass, while we just float through, assuming we know how the days will go and not really plugging into life. We close ourselves off to the wonder and possibility of the present moment.

Beginner’s Mind allows us to find joy in the routine and make discoveries about ourselves and our capacity for gratitude. The sunset is no less beautiful the 7,000th time we see it. It’s worth appreciating every time.

You might also like:

• Letting go in the back row: when yoga habits hinder
  
• What I’m reading: Everyday Sacred
  
• Life lessons from a dog: accepting the past
  

Meditation information: umm, what are we doing??

Tags

meditation, mindfulness, Monkey mind, spirituality

So, let’s continue our meditation chat, shall we?

You have your space all organized and you have something to comfy sit on and your timer.

Pick an amount of time that seems not terrifying. Is it 3 minutes? 5? 25? Whatever it is, set your timer.

Now you have some choices. These are all meditation methods that I have used and liked – of course there are many others, but these are my go-to techniques. I tend to bounce around between them, depending on my mood.

Watching the breath. Just sit there and breathe. Feel how the breath feels at the nostrils and how the belly and chest move in and out. Put all your concentration on the incredibly vital  – and constantly overlooked – miracle of the breath.

Count the breath. Inhale one, exhale one, inhale two, exhale two – and continue until you get to 10. Start over again at one.

Use a mantra. I like Om Mani Padme Hum. You can use any word that makes you feel good. “Peace”, “love”, “just here, just now” 🙂 are all good options. Repeat and place your focus on the sounds and the physical feeling that the words create in your body. Using a mala can be helpful here, too. This is a string with 108 beads on it. You say the manta once, then move your fingers along to the next bead. It’s a nice tactile thing to keep your attention.

Lovingkindness meditation. Start with yourself – say “May I be well. Be happy. Be healthy. Live with ease.” (If you are uncomfortable with giving kindness to yourself, consider it to be like the airline requiring you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Only when you are in a good place, can you be of help others.) Then move on to those people you love. “May _______ be well. Be happy. Be healthy. Live with ease.” Then, move to those you don’t know. Those who annoy the hell out of you. And then to all sentient beings.

Use a guided meditation. There are some great ones on iTunes podcasts and as a apps. Most are free. The University of Virginia has a wonderful Mindfulness Center and they have some free guided meditations on their website as well.

See what might work for you – when I started, I found the guided meditations and mantras to be best, because I needed all the help I could get. The constant re-directing of my mind was helpful.

Do this every day. Carve out time for yourself. Even if it’s just for one, single, solitary minute.

Here is the important part – YOUR MIND WILL WANDER!

It will flip out and tell you that you can’t do this and it’s stupid. That’s fine. That is what minds do. Commit to sit there until your timer is done. No matter what happens.

I like to think of my mind as a puppy. Have you ever trained a puppy? You have to be compassionate and kind but firm. When my mind is chewing on everything and peeing on the carpet, I simply and patiently bring it back – time after time. The puppy will get scared and obstinate if I get mad and yell. If I give up, I’ll have to live with this unruly creature forever.

My most major realization came when it hit me that if I can hear myself thinking, I must be something other than my thoughts. I am not my mind. I can get it under control, but it takes patience and determination. My mind had 30 years to run amuck and it’s going to give me some grief about sitting still.

People tend to think that the goal of mediation is to be in this blissful, thought-free state of Nirvana for hours. I guess perhaps some people can do that. I’m not one of them.

The goal of meditation is to notice when your attention has wandered and bring it back.

That’s all. Because the moment of noticing when you have floated off to worrying about that email you need to send later – that is the epic moment. That’s when you can change your mind.

Some days I sit for meditation and my mind runs all over the place and I get only five seconds of watching the breath. That is still success.

Because when I make the space in my life to be still, when I set the intention to train my puppy and when it sits, even for one moment – I have done something hugely important. Each moment that I am present means that my awareness is cracked open and that is something to build on.

This meditation stuff is not for the faint of heart. Your mind will throw everything possible in your way. You will fight demons and monsters that have been lingering under your bed since childhood. Ugly things will come up that you wish would stay buried.

But if you choose to keep with it, if you decide that you are stronger than your run-away thoughts and emotions, you can gain a sense of power and peace that is unequaled.

You get to be one of those people who understands that your mind is just the surface, that it can be tricked and cruel and just downright wrong. You get to go deeper and find out who you really are beneath the endless loop of judgmental criticisms of yourself and others. You get to get it.

I will readily admit that after 4 years of meditation practice, I am not quite there yet. But I’ve seen glimpses of it. And it is so damn beautiful I can hardly stand it.

Want more? There are so many amazing books about meditation. Here are some of my favorites:

Wherever You Go There You Are – Jon Kabat-Zinn
Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation – Sharon Salzberg
When Things Fall Apart – Pema Chodron
The Miracle of Mindfulness: An Introduction to the Practice of Meditation – Thich Nhat Hanh

I still consider myself to be a beginning meditator but I’d be happy to answer any questions about meditation or my experiences. And I’d love to hear about your trials, tribulations and joys with meditation – so come back and tell me how it went!

You might also like: 

• Meditation information: setting up a space
• Meditations on Meditating
• Simple, but not easy: meditation

If you’re terrified, you’re doing it right: authenticity

Tags

acceptance, community, Monkey mind, spirituality, yoga

Being your true self can be scary. It requires stripping down, being vulnerable and opening yourself up in a way that can hurt like hell.

I wish that embracing my authenticity always felt empowering and wonderful. But these days I’m not feeling very Norma Rae about it all. It seems downright treacherous.

Some days, I wonder why I try.

I love writing. My soul is a writer. However, the idea of other people reading – and possibly criticizing – my writing makes me want to crawl into a very small cave and stay there forever. I am so grateful for this little community that has gathered around Just here. Just now and I am so thankful for the beautiful support y’all have shown me. But it does terrify me to know that you are out there, reading my words. You people scare me just a little. (But thanks for coming. Seriously.)

I’m writing a book.

There. I said it.

It’s been something of a secret book so far, but over the weekend, I let Husband read a very early pre-first draft. When he was finished he said nice things about it. I responded by yelling at him, calling him a liar and sobbing until I couldn’t breathe.

It was not my prettiest moment.

It’s hard to put yourself out there with something that is precious to you. It’s painful to be that exposed. It’s always at that most tender moment that my relentless Monkey Mind swings on over, gets in my face and says – you’re writing a book?? HA! That’s dumb. You’re dumb.

The trouble is that I believe that very persuasive little monkey and it makes me want to chuck my first 150 pages out the window because I don’t want to be a failure.

If I looked at yoga the same way, I’d never go to class. Because through that obscured lens, I could say that every time I go to yoga I “fail” at certain postures. I can’t do the full expression, or I fall out of the pose seven times in 30 seconds. If I looked at my yoga practice the way I see my writing practice — it seems quite ridiculous.

I try to remember that lovely Bikramism:

As long as you are giving 100% effort, you will receive 100% of the benefit.

So, every day I sit down and tap away at the book, word by word. I am learning and finding my voice and speaking my truth. That growth is worthwhile, even if every publisher in the country tells me my book sucks. Even if this process is just for me — there is value there, if I remember to cherish the present moment and just write. Simply because my soul has to write.

What is it that your authentic self needs to do? Maybe you need to sing. Or move to the front row of your yoga class. Or get your resume together for that new job opening. Or finally get some paint on that canvas.

I don’t know what scares the hell out of you but I’ll bet there is something wonderful, authentic and valuable there.

So, let’s all try to be brave and own our authenticity. Let’s be brave enough to stand up on a table like Norma Rae. Let’s stand there with stillness and confidence and hold up a sign that declares to the world – this is who I am.

You might also like:

• Hate soup: dealing with the inner mean girl
• Accurate not arrogant: admitting your strengths