Tag Archives: judgement

Judging the judgmental

10 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by in gratitude, Living, Yoga

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And may all live in equanimity, without too much attachment and too much aversion,
And live believing in the equality of all that lives.

– traditional Buddhist prayer

When I was in my 20s, there were so many things I knew for sure. I had a whole lot of stuff figured out. There were things I liked (wine) and things I didn’t like (kale) and that was that. Those who disagreed were sorely mistaken.

Now in my mid-30s, I am loving the blissful realization that I know nothing. Because although I was certain those things would never change, there have been some surprising developments. There are new things that I like (kale – if it has enough olive oil and garlic) and don’t like (wine – because it keeps me awake all night).

It’s so easy to label things as good or bad. I was always kind of judgmental of people who had ill-behaved dogs. Oh my God, just train your dog I would think, as some wild pooch strained at a leash attached to an embarrassed owner.

And then I adopted my rescue dog. My sweet, darling girl who, for completely unknown – yet surely justifiable – reasons, HATES other dogs. So, when we walk, I am the embarrassed owner holding back a lunging, snarling beast. While multiple group classes, individualized dog training sessions, bribery with treats and strong coercion have helped a little – my perspective on just train your dog has shifted a little.

I thought of all of this recently when I came upon a group of yoga teachers having a discussion about setting an intention at the beginning of yoga class. Should you ask your students to dedicate the class or not?

There were a wide variety of impassioned answers ranging from “Hell no, it’s gimmicky” to “Yes, always, it’s the heart of the practice.“

My favorite answer is the answer that I am finding that I am using more and more in life.

Sometimes.

Sometimes it makes sense. Other times it doesn’t.

Sometimes I drink wine, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes my dog is well behaved, sometimes she is not. Sometimes I eat kale for dinner, sometimes I eat pecan pie.

And here’s the other big thing I’m realizing – I don’t require anyone else to agree with me.

There are fewer and fewer things in life I’m willing to be judgmental about – either in the negative or positive. Because I’ve seen myself, in the process of changing and growing as a person, flip flop. Then suddenly, I’m on the opposing end of something that I once regarded with distain or worshiped to an absurd degree.

And that just gets embarrassing.

Clearly, I’m not saying never take a stand on anything, I just think that equanimity and an amount of respect and understanding for a different way of doing things can be a very compassionate and freeing thing.

So set an intention or don’t, drink wine, eat kale and love that ill-behaved dog.

It’s all beautiful.

————–

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Changing the construction

13 Tuesday May 2014

Posted by in gratitude, Living, Love, Spirituality, Yoga

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yoga

Why doesn’t yoga always feel this peaceful?

Last year, our yoga studio moved to a new location. It’s in a shiny new building with nice bathrooms and freshly painted walls with no fingerprints on them…

…and it’s also got construction.

Lots of construction.

The space above us is being renovated, so there are drills and hammers and all kinds of loud things I can’t even identify. Sometimes I suspect they are doing shot-put with bowling balls for the hell of it. The yoga studio walls shake in savasana. It’s not ideal.

So, I sigh loudly. And I cringe. And I think This studio is my happy place where I come to finally get quiet and de-stress and why isn’t it all calm like doing yoga on a peaceful beach and DEAR GOD WHY???

The other day, one of my yoga teachers – who, not coincidentally, is one of the most enlightened people I know – commented on the construction. She said it made her crazy for a little while, but she just thought about the person who was on the other side of that drill on this Saturday morning. She sent out a little love and gratitude to them for doing their job, so that she didn’t have to work construction and she could be down here, teaching yoga.

Holy shift, Batman.

I was instantly dragged out of my own whiney issues and with such beautiful simplicity, the situation morphed into something positive. It was an opportunity to practice sending some compassion to another being that I don’t even know.

You know what’s really crazy? I don’t even hear the construction anymore. It was like flipping a switch in my mind. And when someone mentioned that the construction was going to be continuing for the next 6 months – I though, well, that’s not too bad.

Because really? In the grand scope of things, what is 6 months?

A mindful, open-hearted comment like that can cause such a shift in perspective. Instead of getting cranky about the construction and therefore ruining my own yoga practice, I can choose a different choice.

Of course, as with everything with yoga, this has been working beyond the mat, too. Instead of rolling my eyes when the lady in front of me at the grocery store wants to fight about the sale price of pretzels – I can change my mind and just be present and feel my feet on the floor. When I have to get blood drawn for my annual check up, I can change my mind and do some deep breathing instead of tensing up my entire body, and almost passing out for lack of oxygen.

Every moment is a choice and you are always allowed to change your mind. It’s shocking to see how often my initial instinct is to make something harder than it needs to be. So much of life is completely out of my control, it makes sense that I should at least choose to make my responses a little more pleasant. It is clear from experience that sending out bitchy, negative energy to a difficult situation is only going to make it worse. For everyone.

The construction is going to be there, whether I am ruining my yoga practice over it or not.

Not seems like a way better choice.

————–

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Hippos on the floor

26 Tuesday Nov 2013

Posted by in gratitude, Living, Yoga

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buddha

After a yoga class the other day, a woman went up to our teacher and said,

“I was kind of surprised that you referred to us as hippos. It seemed mean and unlike you.”

Our teacher was horrified. “What? When??”

In floor bow, you said “arms up, legs up, everything up. Only hippos are still on the floor.”

Our teacher smiled and reassured her that she had said “only hip bones are still on the floor. Not hippos.”

And everyone laughed because it was a cute misunderstanding and we went on our way.

But something startling occurred to me. How ready are we to hear something terrible about ourselves? How quick are we to assume the worst and only hear the negative?

I am guilty of this. Give me 100 complements and I’ll only remember the one thing that was not so glowing. That’s the one that will wake me up in the night and leave me cringing and sweating at 2AM.

This is something that I am trying to change. It’s easy to go out of my way to see the best aspects of other people, but when it comes to myself, I tend to be deaf to any praise that might be aimed at me. I’m much more likely to assume someone just called me a hippo.

I love the Three Jewels and it’s part of my daily meditation and gratitude prayers. I especially love this part:

I take refuge in the dharma, the spiritual teachings. I commit myself to the truth as it is.

Because dharma can mean the words of the Buddha and it can also mean the absolutely clear nature of reality. We can make up all kinds of drama to go along with life, we can imagine that he gave me a nasty look or she called me the third largest land mammal on the planet. We can put a negative spin on experiences and get all worked up about them – or we can remove that lens and see the truth as it is.

Acknowledge, accept and then let it go.

It’s a choice.

And when I’m being mindful, I chose that joyful surrender to the truth. It’s way better than being called a hippo.

————————————–

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The Dalai Lama, compassion and my ankle

16 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by in gratitude, Health, Living, Spirituality, Yoga

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Last week, I had the chance to see His Holiness the Dalai Lama speak at an event. It was wonderful. His topic was “Beyond Religion: Ethics for a Whole World.” Just being in the presence of someone like that is perception-altering.

I’d like to think that I’m a fairly compassionate person, but the Dalai Lama’s emphasis on compassion towards others as the path to not only a more peaceful world, but a happier and more peaceful heart, really got to me. Buddhists refer to it as “intelligent selfishness.”

“Whether or not our kindness brings benefit to others will depend on a great many factors, some of which will be outside our control. But whether we succeed in bringing benefit to others or not, the first beneficiary of compassion is always oneself. When compassion, or warmheartedness, arises in us and shifts our focus away from our own narrow self-interest, it is as if we open an inner door.”

–Beyond Religion by His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I’ve been trying to practice compassion in even deeper ways.

Compassion in the yoga studio is something I want to work on. I struggle with getting frustrated with the yogi who is flopping around, or the newbie who is getting defiant and mad at the teacher. I try to remember that we are all dealing with our own demons in there, but sometimes it’s all I can do to not yell “This is a peaceful place and I’m trying to meditate and be one with the universe, so shut the fuck up!”

Compassion fail.

So clearly that needs some work, but what also deserves some attention is my level of compassion for myself.

My ankle has been bothering me lately. I don’t know what I did to it. I put ice or heat on it – it still hurts. I do lots of yoga or no yoga – it still hurts. I put it up or massage it – it still hurts. My ankle is just tender and there is nothing that seems to make it any better or worse. It just is. It just needs time.

But I catch myself glaring at this ankle. Rolling my eyes at it when those shooting pains come and cursing it when it doesn’t behave like it used to.

This is no way to treat an ankle that has done nothing wrong for the past 33 years.

So, I’m trying a new route of uber-compassion for others, for myself and for my ankle. I’m doing my best to withhold judgment. I’m seeing what it’s like to just flood my world with understanding, patience and gratitude for whatever might come. Bring it on, and I will do my best to welcome it with open arms.

So far, it feels really good. His Holiness might just be on to something here.

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Everything is as it should be

28 Tuesday Aug 2012

Posted by in gratitude, Spirituality, Yoga

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everything is as it should be

This is the tattoo that my husband got recently.

I love it.

He got it for himself, of course, but I find it to be a handy little reminder.

Everything happens for a reason.

Everything life throws at you is an offer to grow and change.

When something (seemingly) bad happens, there is a reason for it. Breathe. Learn from it.

When something (seemingly) good happens, there is a reason for it. Breathe. Learn from it.

You can’t always see the path, but it’s always there.

When you let go and surrender to things beyond your control, the world opens up for you.

These are all things that I know are true but I constantly forget. Thanks for getting it so clearly on your arm, J.

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I gave up drinking for Lent. Now what?

27 Friday Apr 2012

Posted by in Food, Living, Spirituality

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“The Great Way is without difficulty, just cease having preferences.”

– Third Patriarch of Zen

Despite being some sort of Buddhist/Hindu hybrid, I observed Lent this year and didn’t drink any alcohol for 46 days. It wasn’t that hard. It was fine.

And then I broke my fast with a margarita. That was fine, too.

I thought I would come out of this with a strong feeling one way or another, either I would have missed wine enormously or I would feel like a superhero without it. I thought I’d have a stance.

I used to have all kinds of opinions and preferences and beliefs in what was good and bad. I use to know so many things FOR SURE. I’m finding that to be less and less true.

I’m less interested in jumping on something and immediately judging it and giving it a permanent, 1-10 rating of goodness. I am feeling less need to cling to my opinions. Identifying with them and owning them no longer seems desirable because they feel more fluid these days.

Another example: I am not joining back up with my CSA this year. I’ve been part of community supported agriculture for the past five years and I would have said that was a major tenet of my identity. It was a difficult decision to let it go, but this year I wanted to go to the local farmer’s markets more often and support a wider variety of vendors. Maybe next year I’ll sign up again, maybe not.

Whatevs.

It doesn’t have to define my being. I don’t have to be that CSA Girl.

Of course, I still get super judgey sometimes and think something is just plain awful and that person is stupid for doing it. I just tend to catch myself a little sooner. Then I feel like a dog chasing her tail; it’s pointless, I look silly and know I’ll end up getting bitten in the ass for it.

Socrates said “The more I learn, the more I learn how little I know” but I think we tend to overlook the freedom in not knowing. My staunch opinions bind me up and place me in opposition to others. Letting go of my know-it-all judgements allows me to get back to the (way more fun) place of beginner’s mind and frees me up to explore the world more openly.

So, cheers to that.

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Yoga: the good person and the bad person

29 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Yoga

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My exhausted husband leaned in the doorway with his yoga mat propped up next to him. “Am I a bad person if I don’t go to yoga tonight?” He asked.

The question seemed so ridiculous that I laughed at him. “The answer to that is an unequivocal no. No one has ever been a bad person because they miss their Thursday night Bikram class.”

“But going to yoga makes me a better person.” He replied, using our often quoted phrase.

When framed differently, it really made me think twice about saying that. I do often claim that yoga has made me a better person, because in a way, it seems like it has. I’m less stressed, more patient, less judgmental and more present.

But maybe this is not the right way to say it. Maybe framing it that way way sets us up for more guilt.

What I mean is that yoga enables me to be more of my true self. Because obviously, if I miss a class, I am not a bad person but maybe my priorities get a little more easily clouded. When I don’t make space in my life for yoga, I’m less able to cut through the bullshit. Yoga teaches me to get quiet for a moment, so the dust can settle and I can see clearly. Maybe that’s what I mean when I say it makes me a better person; I mean I’m more myself in some fundamentally realized way.

No thing has ever defined who you really are. Even yoga. When you identify and cling to something that is outside of yourself, that’s just ego. When we try to figure out the truth of ourselves, we uncover the way deep down part that is untouched by ego. That’s when we realize that just as our home or social status or occupation can’t define you, I’m sorry to say – yoga can’t, either.

Which is kinda too bad, because identifying with yoga would be a total no-brainer.

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Hate soup: dealing with the inner mean girl

13 Tuesday Sep 2011

Posted by in Living, Spirituality, Yoga

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I was on Day 29 of my 30 day yoga challenge. I walked into the yoga studio feeling good, one of my favorite teachers was teaching and my favorite spot in the room was free. It was 7:30am class, so I knew most of the students and it was nice to chat with them before we got started.

Then, someone I didn’t know set up her mat directly behind me, in the otherwise sparsely populated room. She flopped around during class, drinking in the middle of postures and muttering loudly while she dried off with her towel, as if she had just stepped out of the bath.

I demolished her.

With my mind.

I ranted and raved for 90 minutes about how annoying she was. I absolutely hated the stupid little skirt she was wearing – seriously – who wears a skirt to yoga? So stupid. I rolled my third eye and spewed venom.

And then I felt terrible.

After class, I realized that I barely even noticed my practice, as I was so occupied destroying hers. I felt like such a horrible person. I felt awful that I was contributing to the negativity of the world and I wanted to crawl in a dark little hole with my dark little mind where the only person I could criticize was myself. All these attempts at spiritual growth and personal awareness were not working. I was bitchy and judgmental, and no amount of meditation or yoga or Buddha statues on my bookshelf would fix that.

I went home and pouted and sat on the couch with my horrible self. I continued to read Yoga and the Search for the True Self in the hopes that maybe Stephan Cope could save a wretch like me.

And he did.

He discussed a study of some super spiritual people, and it was found that they don’t have fewer negative thoughts or experiences in their lives. What makes them different is the way they deal with the negativity. They just let those negative thoughts and feelings float on by, without attaching or identifying with them. They don’t judge them and own them and wear them like a hair shirt of shame. They just observed; Oh, there goes my mind again. But they understand that they are not their mind.

What a freeing concept.

It reminded me of a conversation with a friend of mine, who I consider to be the most enlightened person I know. She told me that sometimes she gets in the hot room for her yoga practice, and it’s all “Hate Soup” in her brain.

Hate Soup? She has Hate Soup, too?

It was a revelation to me. If these fany-pants monks and my incredibly conscious friend sometimes stew in the Hate Soup, I’m not alone. This is part of the interconnectedness of  all of us. Maybe if I just surrender to the tendencies of the mind and laugh at it like a crazed puppy chasing its tail — maybe that is the true spiritual growth.

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