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Being your true self can be scary. It requires stripping down, being vulnerable and opening yourself up in a way that can hurt like hell.
I wish that embracing my authenticity always felt empowering and wonderful. But these days I’m not feeling very Norma Rae about it all. It seems downright treacherous.
Some days, I wonder why I try.
I love writing. My soul is a writer. However, the idea of other people reading – and possibly criticizing – my writing makes me want to crawl into a very small cave and stay there forever. I am so grateful for this little community that has gathered around Just here. Just now and I am so thankful for the beautiful support y’all have shown me. But it does terrify me to know that you are out there, reading my words. You people scare me just a little. (But thanks for coming. Seriously.)
I’m writing a book.
There. I said it.
It’s been something of a secret book so far, but over the weekend, I let Husband read a very early pre-first draft. When he was finished he said nice things about it. I responded by yelling at him, calling him a liar and sobbing until I couldn’t breathe.
It was not my prettiest moment.
It’s hard to put yourself out there with something that is precious to you. It’s painful to be that exposed. It’s always at that most tender moment that my relentless Monkey Mind swings on over, gets in my face and says – you’re writing a book?? HA! That’s dumb. You’re dumb.
The trouble is that I believe that very persuasive little monkey and it makes me want to chuck my first 150 pages out the window because I don’t want to be a failure.
If I looked at yoga the same way, I’d never go to class. Because through that obscured lens, I could say that every time I go to yoga I “fail” at certain postures. I can’t do the full expression, or I fall out of the pose seven times in 30 seconds. If I looked at my yoga practice the way I see my writing practice — it seems quite ridiculous.
I try to remember that lovely Bikramism:
As long as you are giving 100% effort, you will receive 100% of the benefit.
So, every day I sit down and tap away at the book, word by word. I am learning and finding my voice and speaking my truth. That growth is worthwhile, even if every publisher in the country tells me my book sucks. Even if this process is just for me — there is value there, if I remember to cherish the present moment and just write. Simply because my soul has to write.
What is it that your authentic self needs to do? Maybe you need to sing. Or move to the front row of your yoga class. Or get your resume together for that new job opening. Or finally get some paint on that canvas.
I don’t know what scares the hell out of you but I’ll bet there is something wonderful, authentic and valuable there.
So, let’s all try to be brave and own our authenticity. Let’s be brave enough to stand up on a table like Norma Rae. Let’s stand there with stillness and confidence and hold up a sign that declares to the world – this is who I am.
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I share your specific fear. It was made slightly less terrifying by doing lots of workshops in college, but I have a book that I’ve been working on for years that no one has ever read. I’ve recently created goals around this book and I’m going to finish it and throw it out there. Because, like you, I have to. I just keep hoping that, when the time comes, I won’t be terrified anymore.
And I keep reminding myself: self-publishing is a lot easier than it used to be!
Good for you. I, for one, am really looking forward to reading your book!! Just let me know when it’s ready!! 🙂
I started reading your blog after taking up Bikam yoga six months ago at the age of 62. I am hooked! Please keep writing. I love, love your blog.
A fellow Canadian
Thank you so much. You are so kind! How amazing that you were brave enough to start Bikram!!! Congrats! I’m so glad that you found me and that you enjoy the blog. Namaste!
DITTO!!!
I too started Bikram Yoga recently at age 61 and am also hooked. I have seen so many positive changes. I found your blog through someone at the studio and follow every day. You hit it spot on so many times. Thank you and please keep on writing.
another fellow Canadian
That is so wonderful that you have seen such positive changes!! I’m so glad to know that you can relate, and that I have readers in my homeland!! : ) Thank you so very much, your comment means a lot to me.
I deal with this same fear, have been reading Julia Cameron’s The Right to Write….her chapters on validation and criticism have really encouraged me that as long as I’m truthful, vulnerable, and writing, I’m valid 🙂
I’m so proud of you Lisa. You’re an amazing writer and I cannot wait to read your book. I just know it will be as fantastic as your blog.
You are too sweet. Thank you. I’ll have to get The Right to Write. Is there nothing Julia Cameron can’t fix??? Namaste, my friend.
Lisa,
You wrote about my fear! For years a book was dormant in my mind and I wrote, stopped, wrote, shared, and stopped. Now I am committed. I decided to get professional assistance from Susan Malone, Developmental Editor. Although pricey at $11 per page, I believe her assistance is a good investment.
While visiting family-in-law this weekend, I was asked if I am looking for a job and I said, “I am writing a book.” What a risk! I was tentative at first but each time I told someone my intentions, I felt more authentic.
Of course you can do it and of course the Monkey Mind will try to keep you off balance, but as in Bikram, you know what to do.
Best of luck,
Claudia
Good for you! So glad you have embraced it! It’s a scary thing, but I have no doubt that it is rewarding and totally worth it. I’m excited to read your book! Thanks so much for sharing.
I so grapple with these issues all of the time. I just began reading your blog after my yoga studio posted one of posts about Bikram. From a Buddhist standpoint, at least my understanding of it at the moment, you have no self for others to judge. getting caught in the idea that we are not good enough or what we do is not good enough is clinging on to the illusion that we have a self. but that self does not exist so there is nothing to “not be good enough”. if that makes any sense at all. i know it helps me push through, open my heart and put myself out. sometimes it evens quiets the voice in yoga class that says my tummy is big and that some how matters. Thanks for your great posts and keep on writing. also, if you have never tried National Novel writing month, go check it out. you will write through any blocks and learn so much about yourself. good luck.
I think that makes total sense. I love that. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective. I’ve heard about that writing month but I’ve never participated….but now you’ve got me thinking….
Thanks so much for reading. I’m so glad that you found me!
I know exactly how you feel. I can’t believe anyone would want to read my work — I always get butterflies in my gut when I click “Publish”. However, I’ve loved to write since childhood and it’s currently my only outlet. I could go on writing but you have inspired me to write a post of my own about this. I am going to credit you for it. I hope you keep up with the book!! Sending you positive vibes!! Peace.
Cool! Send me the link – I’d love to read your post! Happy writing and thanks for reading!
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I know you wrote this post nearly a year ago, and that you probably won’t get this response, but here it is anyway:
I’ve been reading your blog all.day.long. I paused to write a post for a blog I’m scared to start, then I started back gorging on your words. I haven’t posted a single other comment before now, but you finally got me, because…
My soul has to write AND sing AND attend Bikram for the first time AND get my resume’ together for that new job opening.
Damn you, Lisa, and your perfect ability to write other people’s brain cramps. *sigh*
Thank you!!
Of course I got this and I’m so very glad that I did!! There is no better feeling for a writer than to know that she struck a cord with a reader – so thank you so very much for your comment. What is also awesome about this is that in the past week I’ve been doing some things that have TERRIFIED me. It’s been a real challenge and I needed to go back and re-read this post and take my own advice. So thank you for bringing my attention to it.
Be brave, my friend. Get out there and do all those things. I know you’ll kick ass.
xoxox,
~L