“Selfish” is a terrible, awful, no good word that gets bandied about our society quite frequently. I find it particularly uncomfortable because I’ve had it aimed at me.
Usually, the selfish dagger originates from the fact that I am childfree; Husband and I have decided that the two of us will be the only humans in our family. Because of this, people assume that if I don’t devote my life to a child, I must devote my life to bon-bons, daytime television and my own hedonistic pleasure-seeking. It’s a shockingly common and enduring stereotype that makes my blood boil — along with the idea that childfree women are cold, uncaring, will never know real love and are not actual women…but that’s for another post.
People also tend to think those on a spiritual path are oblivious navel-gazers.
Oh yeah, and I’m an only child.
So, I am triple screwed when it comes to that selfishness label.
But, I am not selfish. I would list all the things I do that are selfless, but I don’t want to get all defensive and feel like I have to justify and prove myself. Not on my own blog.
Clearly, I have internalized this whole selfish thing. For example, I am a quilter. I am a tattooed, vegetarian yogi quilter. Unusual, I know, but I love quilting. I love quilts. I have gone to quilt shows just to admire them. I think they are stunning works of art and they bring me joy. I’ve been quilting for about six years but I recently realized something – I don’t have a quilt. Every pre-schooler within a 100 mile radius has a handmade quilt from me. I made a quilt for our guest room. The dog has a quilt. But I don’t have a quilt to call my own.
It suddenly occurred to me that this is odd.
So, I am making myself a quilt.
And I feel terrible about it.
Every time I sit down to work on this quilt, I wonder, should I really be spending time on this? It’s so selfish. Am I really sewing this quilt for myself just because it makes me happy?
Yes. I am sewing this quilt for myself because it makes me happy.
Aren’t happy people better for the world?
I am not hurting or neglecting anyone by making myself a quilt. Yet, when ever I make a decision like this, choosing something that is in my own best interest and makes me happy or improves my life in some way, I hear this hiss of selfish in my ear.
“In Mandarin Chinese, they have two words for selfish. One means doing that which is beneficial to you and the other means hoarding, greedy, and cruel. We, in English have pushed those two words together.”
-Elizabeth Gilbert
There is a huge difference between those two definitions. We should encourage people who do what is right for them, what makes them feel fulfilled and able to face the challenges of being human. Not everyone in the world has the exact same opportunities and desires, and that is why you should take advantage of yours. Have babies or don’t. Work outside the home or inside. Quilt or sky dive or go to clown college. If your passions are not hoarding, greedy or cruel – have at it.
Be the good kind of selfish and share that joy.
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I completely agree. Heard a term years ago….selffull. And by making yourself a quilt, you’re not selfish, but selffull. Filling your spirit so you can be there for others, because if you give and give and give your spirit ends up empty. So make that quilt! Be selffull 🙂
Selffull is my new favorite word!!!
Great Post! I absolutely congratulate your choice to be a child free family. I shudder thinking of all those folks who have children, just becuase that is “what comes next” then drag them into day care for 8 -10 hours a day. This makes my blood boil. I respect you and appreciate your choice to be You. Selfish ..no… Selfless ,,,yes…..! Nice quilt too ; )
Thank you so much. So so much!
Yes!!!!!!!!!!
🙂
I consider my 90 minute Bikram class (really 2 hours) to be selfish time. It is time I have designated to work on my self!
It’s not working, mothering, cooking, cleaning or ‘Wifeing”
I earn it,and if I treat it as my reward, it keeps me coming to class….otherwise, that time will be filled with chores for other people.
I love that! I think Bikram is a fantastic way to be “selfish.” Good for you for having such a healthy and beneficial treat for yourself – body mind and spirit!
I *completely* agree that taking care of yourself and doing things that make you genuinely happy are the best steps you can take to being kind to others. How can you be considerate of or giving to others when you’re miserable and resentful or unhealthy yourself? And I have to say that being childfree by choice myself, I know where you’re coming from and look forward to hearing more of your thoughts on the subject. In the meantime, best of luck on the quilt and enjoy every single second of it! (P.S. Hope to cross paths with you at Bikram one day!)
Thanks so much! I will be writing more about childfree in the future. It’s been nice to get a supportive response to something that seems to be a touchy subject! You are a BYC person, too?? How exciting! Please say hi if you see me there!
I can’t wait to read what you have to say. It’s definitely a difficult subject, and it’s had a profound effect on my friendships over the years (no animosity or anything — just them moving on to a different world with different priorities and demands on their time). I’ll save my other thoughts for your posts on the subject, though. And yes, I’m BYC, too! I’m not sure if I’d be able to recognize you from the few pics, but I’ll try. I tend to be at the Wednesday night 6:30 class most regularly.
We usually do Tues/thurs nights, but we were there last night! Hopefully we will catch up at some point…
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