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Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.
~Brené Brown
A friend of mine was talking with our yoga teacher before class and I heard this advice from the instructor.
“Just go in there and give it 60%”
How un-Bikram-ish.
Isn’t it all about “100% effort, 100% results??”
Yeah, well, this is where yoga reminds us to hold dualities comfortably.
Sometimes, you just need to be good enough. For those of us who happen to be perfectionists (yoga, particularly Bikram, seems to breed many of those) some days we need to remember it’s a win that we even showed up. We need to give ourselves a little break.
I’ve been reading the work of Brene Brown lately – I swear that woman speaks to my soul. She talks about the connection between perfectionism and shame. We are perfectionists because we are worried that if people find out we are flawed, we will be deemed unloveable and unceremoniously rejected.
I don’t tend to think of myself as much of a “type A” person but I seem to struggle with perfectionism in the hot room. I want to be thought of as a good yogi. I want to be accepted into the yogi community. I often feel too shy to tell people that I write a yoga blog because I worry that they will say “You? You write a yoga blog? But I just saw you fall out of Standing Bow three times. How are you qualified to write about yoga?”
So, yeah, I guess I would be one of those perfectionists.
When we think about giving it 60% – accepting something that is imperfect – it tends to make us nervous. But what really happens when we decide to be happy with “good enough”? What happens when I don’t have to be flawless, all the time?
When I accept those realities, it opens up space for so much more acceptance. Love. Kindness. Gratitude.
After all, I don’t expect everyone else to be perfect. Why should I be?
This is not about laziness or being too soft on yourself. Shockingly few people have that problem and I am certainly not one of them. This is about being compassionate to yourself, because that opens up the likelihood of having more compassion for others.
Maybe try it. Just once. Go in with the expectation that you are going to have a fine class. It’s going to be completely okay.
You don’t always have to move mountains. Maybe sometimes you can just sit there, with your open, brave, honest heart – and they will come to you.
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Thank you for this reminder! I have been pushing myself too hard as of late… And because I’ve been pushing so hard feelings of hatred for yoga have been welling up and that’s so far from the point of yoga, isn’t it?
I think that is a trap that many of us fall into!
Well, Brene Brown may speak to your soul, but you speak to mine! So many times I drop in to your blog and what you’ve written is the exact thing I need to hear. Lately I’ve been struggling with perfection. I decided to go back to school and my type A tendencies have kicked in. Sometimes it feels nearly impossible to balance my three kids, three dogs, my husband’s crazy work schedule (he’s a chef) and then somehow find time to go to yoga, sometimes run, cook the meals, wash the clothes, keep the house inhabitable, fix (all right, call someone to fix) the furnace, washer and dryer and other appliances…blah blah blah…you get it…and THEN tackle my school work. All the while knowing everything must be perfect. Today I’m going to give it 60% and see what happens.
Thank you for your kind comment! I’m so glad you find helpful things here. Congratulations on going back to school. I was a “non-traditional” student and got my degree at age 31 — it’s challenging but so rewarding. So hells yeah – give yourself a break!! Thanks for reading and namaste.
I too am a reforming perfectionist, not only in yoga, but in working out in general, and in other areas of my life. Thank you for the wonderful reminder that it’s not only OK, but necessary for us to give ourselves a break and to just “show up.” Brene’s quote is perfect for me, as I can relate completely to it. Thank you!
Thank you!! I’m so happy to know that you enjoyed it.
Yesssss!!! I practice at one studio, where every time the owner teaches she starts every class by saying “This yoga attracts the overachievers, perfectionists, and Type A’s, (that’s why no one is allowed to speak in here), just TRY to focus on yourself, keep a clear mind, be compassionate and remember that everyday is different. Work on accepting that, just as you work on your physical practice.” It’s so true, and such a nice mindset to start class with.
Beautiful. I love that. Thanks for sharing.
Exactly what I needed to hear today. Some days are not 100% days. Which is fine. And some days ARE 100% days, and those are great. But today is a day to brew a big cup of tea to soothe my February head cold, to set a measured pace to accomplish what can get done in my bizarre short-term work situation, and to focus on people versus “tasks” and “stuff to finish” and “deadlines”. Today is a day to step gently back and to be okay with that. Tomorrow’s coming soon enough. Thanks much.
Thank you – that was wonderfully put. Enjoy your tea.
I usually agree with you 110%, but there is a difference between striving for your best and being a perfectionist. I always try to be the former, and acknowledge that being the latter can be destructive.
So I actually find this kind of defeatist and depressing. Okay is not good enough. If striving for your best one day means you made it out of bed and into class, and no more or less, that’s not the same as trying for “okay”.
Sorry…but I actually feel pretty strongly about this.
That’s alright – you don’t have to agree with me.
I will just say that there is totally a difference between trying your best and perfectionism. I’m talking about perfectionism, and I find that when I let go of things needing to be perfect – that is when I am free to really try my best, without fear of failing and looking stupid. That doesn’t seem defeatist or depressing to me. I accept that somedays, “okay” is my best – but there is always tomorrow. But everyone deals with life differently, and contrasting opinions are allowed here! Thanks for sharing and namaste.
Love this post:)
I’m definitely not a perfectionist. And I’m sure that makes it much easier to be in the moment, enjoy the “NOW” and thus be happy.
Thank you! Personally, I think being in the now is the entire meaning of life!
I love reading your blog! I haven’t been in the hot room for almost two years and yesterday I decided it was time to go back. My fitness has decreased in the past two years, and my weight has increased (funny how that happens)…Anyway, I had a lot of fear and anxiety about going back and I really had to talk myself back off the ledge. For me, that perfectionism can be so self defeating – because if I can’t be perfect, why try at all? But, I went…and had a really hard time. Had to sit out most of the poses. But I reminded myself to just stay in the room. My goal was to just be there for the whole class. I was really proud of myself to accomplish that one goal. And I know that, as I go back do more and find that balance between pushing too hard and being too easy on myself, I will get better. Thanks for your words and for inspiring me.
WONDERFUL! I think that idea of “if I can’t be perfect, why try at all?” is so prevalent for many of us. It’s so paralyzing and completely unhelpful. That is a huge deal that you accomplished your goal and stayed in the room. You should be proud – I’m proud of you, too! Thank you so much for reading and for sharing. Welcome back to yoga.
Well, I think falling out of standing bow three times indicates that you are the perfect student. Trying is paramount, and perfect. We can only make perfect efforts (that is, our best efforts, to follow your thread here), not perfect poses. Namaste, Kay
Very well said – thank you so much! Namaste.